


i spent my life weighed down by a stone heart (drowning in irony and settling for anything)

by dontknowjack, It_is_Rene_Now



Series: once, i didn't have a place to call home (i never wanted you to know) [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Homeless, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Arguing, Bad Parenting, Clay | Dream Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream Needs A Hug, Gen, Heavy Angst, Homeless Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Homelessness, Hurt Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, if we get to that part
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:27:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28821471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontknowjack/pseuds/dontknowjack, https://archiveofourown.org/users/It_is_Rene_Now/pseuds/It_is_Rene_Now
Summary: Dream freezes as he hears Techno's teasing.That's exactly what it is.Teasing.Unfortunately, it strikes a nerve long buried, unravelling before his eyes, and he drowns in his memories.Or: The jokes of Dream being homeless hold truth.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Clay | Dream's Sister Drista (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Potential Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: once, i didn't have a place to call home (i never wanted you to know) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2113236
Comments: 5
Kudos: 384





	i spent my life weighed down by a stone heart (drowning in irony and settling for anything)

**Author's Note:**

> 'Nother collab lets gooo!!
> 
> Thank you Jasper for doing this with me! - Xali
> 
> hi guys and gals and nonbinary pals welcome to the experiment of seeing if we can actually write a long multi-chapter fic ✌️
> 
> !! and thank you too -jasper
> 
> Also, warning, there will be sensitive topics breached here, so read the the tags.

"Tommy, Tommy don't worry, he's _homeless."_

He freezes.

His mouth is open and his eyes are wide and _that word_ is echoing inside his mind, taunting him.

_Homeless._

There's that word that haunts him, trickling like freezing water down pallid skin when he bothers to sleep. It runs a sharp claw over his spine and whispers, _you are still here after lying to yourself for so long._

His hands are shaking, memories rising unbidden from where he'd shoved them away. Bile rises up in his throat, throat clogged like he had talked too much, and yet he had barely talked at all.

He can't breathe.

_It's just roleplay. It's just pretend. You're fine._

He's fine, he's been fine since he got off the streets. He'd told himself he wouldn't let it haunt him, wouldn't let it hurt him because that was victory to the world that shoved him down, over and over again, stepping on his struggles as he clawed his way out of a place where the only goal was survival.

~~He remembers the way his feet blistered as he walked aimlessly, searching for a reason for why he was still here, still trying.~~

_He remembers, telling himself how he promised to talk to Nick, George and Bad later._

Anxiety pools in his chest like a weight he had discarded coming back to haunt him, dragging him down.

He's drowning, yet he could still breathe. It's cruel, to be on the verge of death and waiting there for eternity. It's cruel, to have two impossible decisions dangled in front of you and a future that you quite can't reach.

~~He remembers when he didn't want to breathe anymore.~~

He's scrambling for anything — _anything —_ to keep focus, the way he read online when he ignored his sister's pleads for him to get help.

 _Breathe in for four seconds. Hold it until you feel the need to exhale._

His fingers tap frantically on his desk, ignoring the frantic questions coming from Techno and Tommy that echo in his head as if he's deep underwater, ignoring the fact that Sapnap is downstairs and could be watching the stream, finding out that _Dream is weak._

_Focus. Focus._

His breathing slows slightly, as his fingers tap on the desk and he ignores the confused and worried calls from the mic, his voice feeling too clogged to respond.

_Calm. Calm._

Dream needed to calm down — panicking would only cause him to do something he might regret.

_Don't remem-_

He needs to ignore those memories, or the fragile stability he built with tired hands would crumble like a shaky house of cards, never meant to stay forever.

_Remember, face your past._

No. He can't, he can't, he _can't_. If he does, he'll break, every shattered piece of him on for show and practically _waiting_ to be broken down like an object of interest by the internet before he is scorned once again.

He's so tired though. He's tired of placing an insubstantial wall between himself and his problems, wishfully thinking that it was enough, that he would heal from this so easily without finding what he lost.

He could never get back that naïve innocence he once bore, as shattered and fractured as he was. No one knows, but if there is anyone who knows either doesn't care enough or doesn't want to bother to try and piece him back together like some broken project. He yearns for soft touches, yet at the same time it was all too much to handle; wants unbroken promises to be whispered in abused ears, yet he knew they would never stick.

He's selfish and selfless, loving and full of hatred, whole and fractured.

Dream wants to be fine, but knows that he will probably never truly be.

He does not want to remember, but it seems that the world, as cruel as ever, decides that he does not get that choice, that he does not get to cower away from his pain, and that he must face it head on.

He isn't a main character of any sorts, not special in any way. He's not anything more than what he is meant to be, and he was okay with that for a while, working and doing his passion, watching as the rest of the pieces clicked into place.

~~He has always been a dreamer.~~

A warm hand presses against his, stopping its frantic tapping.

Logically, he knows that it's Sapnap, but it doesn't stop him from tensing before he relaxes into the warmth that had become a cautious but familiar presence over the last few weeks.

He leans against the other, and without even knowing it, he speaks.


End file.
